Chinese lanterns and symphonies

Around me the mountains are like a bowl,
That part feels like home
In the morning the sun shines in my kitchen window
And I hear the traffic outside but it has become a sort of music
The cars going by, the honk of horns, together with the dancing green leaves
On my balcony plants and the tree outside the window.
The hum of my fan joins the symphony, and early in the morning
The neighbor’s truck radio and the sound of birds
They make it a sort of music, they do.

The other night I stayed up late trying to fashion a Chinese lantern
Out of wire hangers and pink tissue paper
It is a misshapen mass, a joke of craftsmanship, a laughing matter
When I lit a candle, though, it was harder to see the imperfections
And easier to feel the beauty of the soft light glow.
A little bit like my life, I think.
I’m trying to find work and there’s none to be had
I learned how to can this summer and I’m learning how to be married
And struggling to feel like I’m worth something

I wonder if I’d kept on the track I’d been going on,
If I’d have been like a blazing fire, hot and white, that burned itself out
Instead I’m like the Chinese lantern, a soft and steady glow
Casting light and casting shadows, filling the room with warmth
Not burning out, just being.
Not amazing the world with my scintillating light
But lighting the way in the darkness, with the wafting aroma of vanilla candles
And the way the gentle light hides the dirt on the carpet and the marks on the walls

Sometimes you might think that putting a candle under the covers,
That it will hide it and extinguish it
But the paper takes a naked flame, cold and sharp
And turns it into a giant pink ball of soft light
That illuminates everything
And somehow in my bowl of mountains
Instead of fighting against the cacophony of the world
I am joining the symphony right outside my window

Collateral damage

In 1945 when the atomic bombs were dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, 250,000 people or more died, most of them on the days of the bombing. But included in those 250,000 were 3,200 Japanese-Americans, Allied POW's, Korean and Chinese laborers, exchange-students from Malaya and a host of other unintended victims.
Not only that; it is more than 60 years after the events and Japanese people are still suffering the physical effects of radiation and the emotional effects of their country's destruction. In Hiroshima, in one day, 90% of the doctors and 93% of the nurses were killed. Most of the citizens had nothing to do whatsoever with the decisions being made by their government about the war. They were simply collateral damage.
It is true that we're each judged by our own actions and that before God we have to answer for ourselves and there is no such thing as blaming with him. We are responsible and accountable for our choices. But there is another thing to consider, and that is the far-reaching implications our actions have on others. That is why leaders are always (or should be!) judged more harshly. When you take leadership upon you, you also take responsibility for the outcome, whether it is good or bad.
Robin started reading a book this week about spiritual warfare and he talked to me about it, about the fact that when Christians investigate issues like that, they can expect to deal with some fallout. Satan would take advantage of the situation to attack us. We needed to be prepared for some blows. Was I okay with that, he asked.
We have some dear friends here who are so filled with the Holy Spirit, so overflowing with God's love and his GRACE, in every sense of the word.
But they've been through the fire. They have dealt with the fallout of every right decision they've made.
Am I ready for that kind of thing?
Last night at the girl's bible study I lead, we came up with a question that we couldn't answer. I felt the weight of it on my shoulders last night as I realized that I didn't know what to do, I had no idea, so how could I possibly model it for these girls if I didn't know myself? Are they going to suffer the collateral damage of me never responding to God in that particular area before?
Last week after one too many verbal assaults and behavior issues, I told a patient to pull his socks up. My boss called me the other day and discussed how this same patient has threatened to sue for the way he was treated by the night nurse (me!). Fallout. I wasn't prepared for the repercussions of my sticking-to-my-guns attitude.
I come home and tell Robin about my day, and he tells me about his, and we share them and we share the results (I told him before we were married that I needed to de-brief after work and actually from almost anything I do!) We carry each other's collateral damage, as well as the good things. Shared sorrows are lessened, shared joys are greater.