Talking to myself, again

This week I found myself surprisingly blindsided by the goodness of God. I don't know why I should be surprised, but I was.
I feel like in the last few months I've had quite a few knocks and I guess I was sort of expecting more, not that I think God is mean and likes to hurt me, but I've learned that his training is painful and even though I have been fighting to pray and seek him every day, to be honest, I didn't expect much in the way of answers. Oh, theoretically, I expect them. But realistically? In those dark quiet moments by myself when it's just me talking to myself? Do I honestly believe that these situations are going to work out? The answer was probably no.....
Well, this week I was praying about my financial situation (which is dismal, by the way). I asked God to provide for me and specifically, I prayed about a person who owed me a large sum of money and I asked God to cause them to pay me back. I'd already contacted this person and not heard back from them and was wondering if I should just let it go. So I prayed, and I wrote down my prayer.
The next morning I had an email from her. I bet you thought I forgot, she said, and then explained what the hold-up had been and assured me that the money was in the mail. I was shocked.
I also prayed about my practicum this week. I had called to see about my license for this semester and was told that 3 days before, the provincial regulations had been changed to prevent me from getting a license. No license= no practicum= can't pass the semester. Oh great, I thought, another roadblock. Do I always have to fight them? Again, I wrote down my prayer. God, will you work a miracle?
On Friday I met with the doctor I was supposed to work with, and I explained that I was unable to get the license I needed. Oh, that's no problem, he assured me. I'm the director for all the medical students in that area and I will just phone them up and let them know to give you a license. Again, I was shocked.
And then I was praying about another situation with a friend, that I just didn't know how to approach. I prayed and asked God for direction. Sure enough, the friend phoned, and told me exactly what I needed to hear. I was so filled with relief when I got off the phone.
Last night at about 4:30 or 5, my little niece Kiara climbed into bed with me and fell asleep in my arms, her breathing settling into that familiar rhythm while I lay awake thinking. I got up this morning after not sleeping much and was studying hard all day (Today I reviewed how to perform an abdominal and rectal exam, and I badly need some patients to practice on, so if anyone wants to volunteer.....) and I found myself getting pretty discouraged.
I was thinking about school, relationships, life in general, and feeling desperately like nothing was going to work out. Am I just fighting away at this, trying to seek God, working hard, and nothing is going to come of it? Sometimes I feel tenuously close to the edge of giving up.
I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. “I trust the Lord.” I said to myself in a loud voice. “I trust the Lord! I trust he will give me everything that is good for me! I trust he is good! I trust that he loves me!”
I'm pretty sure that if anyone had come in the house just then and seen me yelling at myself in the mirror, they would've thought I really had gone over the edge this time.
All kidding aside, though, can we trust in God's goodness? I find it hard enough to trust in the goodness of another human, let alone a God I can't see. Does he really love me? Is his heart towards me really full of compassion and goodness?
Yes, I'm telling myself in the mirror. Yes, he is good.
Sometimes we need to speak truth to ourselves, because we forget it, or we get discouraged. Why should I be shocked by God's goodness? Why should I be so afraid that it is all a joke that he loves me and has my best interests at heart?
Get a grip, Heather! And while you're at it, get off the computer and go to bed, you silly girl!