The Emperor's new clothes

For some stupid ridiculous reason yesterday I decided to go Boxing Day shopping with Will. The weather was beautiful and we walked up the hill to the mall with snowflakes settling gently all around us and our breath making steam in the cold. There was such an atmosphere of festivity and happiness that it was contagious. In the mall there were more people than I've ever seen there before. We took a deep breath and dove in. Christmas decorations were on sale! 60% off! I got sucked into buying some beautiful christmas balls and then in another store everything was 2 for 1! I bought underwear (which I didn't need) and a summer shirt (which I probably also did not need).
Will and I got separated and I waited outside the store we were supposed to meet at and didn't see him. I wandered through the crushing crowds calling his name and hoping he would hear me. It was stifling hot and there was so much noise and the lights were so bright and I began to feel suffocated and disgusted with myself. Why had I bought those christmas balls? And the underwear? Why had I given in to this rampant commercialism, this greedy striving to get more STUFF, this abdication of social responsibility and the wanton throwing away of money on cheap stuff?
There was a girl standing against a pillar holding a sign that said 'Instead of spending money, why not spend some time talking together?' and she had a group of people that had gathered around her talking to her. I don't know what they were talking about. Maybe they were just stopping to see why someone wanted to talk, not buy.
My last stop was a store with 2 for 1 swimsuits and I struggled out of my 3 layers of snow gear to try one on. The mirror in the change room was dark and I noticed suddenly how fat and ugly the swimsuit made me look. I did not look like the mannequin in the window; I looked ridiculous. I tried to get it off but the tie was stuck and for some reason I was embarrassed like I didn't want anyone to know I was standing in a little swimsuit in the middle of winter in this crazy mall full of rushing people.
I emerged from the mall to find Will waiting for me where we'd originally parted; looking as exhausted as me. We went outside and suddenly all around us was white snow; calm, tranquility, the beauty of nature, smiling neighbors shoveling their walkways.... I felt like I could breathe again.
After dinner yesterday evening I was playing scrabble with my mom and siblings and I was losing but telling them how I was going to beat them all and my mom suddenly asked me, why are you showing off?
I thought about it for a second and then said to her, “it's because I feel bad about myself, so I'm trying to compensate by making myself seem better.”
“Snap out of it”, she told me. “Just grow up.”
I gave her a look that said, “That's not a very supportive and comforting thing for a mother to say”
She laughed. “I only get paid $5/hour for this advice, so that's what you get! If you want something better, you'll have to pay me more.”
I thought about it later, and thought about shopping in the mall, and trying on that swimsuit in front of the mirror. Maybe it's the change in weather, but our bathroom mirror at home has become warped and no matter how you stand in front of it, it looks funny, kind of like a circus mirror. I look in that mirror and see myself looking strange and I know in my mind that that is not what I actually look like, but it still bothers me.
The problem is that in life I am often looking in the wrong mirror. The mirror in the mall tells me that if I spend my money and buy those beautiful clothes and if I get as much as I can I will have value and I will be satisfied. All those people are rushing around and I joined in like one more rat in the rat race.
But the problem is, when I listen to the lie, the lie that money and clothes and buying and stuff and fame and all that, will make me happy; I become disenchanted. I was disenchanted when I saw that girl holding the sign and I realized that I should be there holding that sign and actually talking to people. I was disenchanted when I looked at myself in a swimsuit and felt like the emperor who was walking through the city naked and suddenly realized he had been made a fool of and hadn't actually put on a beautiful invisible outfit: he was naked. I felt disenchanted when I suddenly realized over a scrabble game that it didn't matter if I won, but it mattered greatly how I lost.
Sometimes when we look in the wrong mirror we become deceived about the way things actually are, and we allow ourselves to be caught up in something that is false. And sometimes all it takes to make us see the truth is someone telling us to grow up and snap out of it.
At any rate, you won't catch me boxing day shopping for a while. Maybe you won't even catch me shopping for a while. But I am going to try my hand at scrabble again tonight....