Lost and at home

It occurred to me the other day that in the last 2 years I haven't stayed in the same place for more than 3 months. In fact, I've slept in over 25 different beds (including a hotel in Paris, a tent at Paul lake, my sister's bed, an old crack house in Chicago, the couch at my brother's house, a mickey mouse bed in New York, a plastic mattress in Antigua).... and now finally, the blue room in Bob and Marlene's house.
My ritual is usually the same wherever I go: I spread my purple quilt cover over the bed. I put my little clock, my bible, and my little green notebook at the head of the bed. And I tell myself, it's going to look better in the morning. I cut myself a bit of slack for the first couple of days cause I know that I find change hard and might be feeling blue for the first little while.
And somehow, some way, God is always good to me.
I was hesitant about my potential job in Kelowna but I had an interview this monday and the manager hired me on the spot and we spent ages getting to know each other. She told me I could work whatever shifts I wanted, I didn't have to work nights, and best of all, there is an entire 62 hours of job training in the next two weeks that alleviates all my concerns about being inadequately prepared for the job. I'll be working in a detox center and I am looking forward to the change of pace from all previous medical experiences. I am going to learn a lot, and I am going to be challenged and rewarded.
I left Vancouver with blossoms falling off the trees and a gentle warm sun, and up in Kelowna it is cold and still a little gray. My room is lovely and I unpacked my boxes (well, most of them....) and made a little home for myself. Yesterday I drove around and got groceries and this morning I went running and I feel like I am getting the hang of this place a bit. It's not a huge city, although I did get lost once yesterday. I made dinner and took it up to Robin and Sam at the house they're painting and on the way back home I did some giant circles around town. Was this the right road? That one? I stopped at various intersections and deliberated about turning left or right or pulling a U-turn. Finally I lifted my gaze up to the mountains and knew in my heart that if I went towards them, I would find the road that led North and led home. And I did.
When I came home I sat with Bob and Marlene and I told them about a difficult decision I had to make and asked for some counsel. They gave me the same counsel my parents would have: they told me God would speak to me, and they prayed for me.
In my dream last night I fell through an icy lake and couldn't find the surface and by the time I was dragged out by a friend, I was unconscious. I awoke in a strange bed with people trying to warm me up and my lungs thick with fluid. I felt distressed and a friend sat with me and began to explain what had happened. As I listened I realized that the story of me falling in the lake was deeper. I hadn't fallen; I had thrown myself in. And not once, but twice. As we were speaking, another friend burst into the room and began to tell me things, giving me advice and telling me I was wrong about this situation and that, and here was why..... I began to feel as if I was swimming under the icy water, trying to find the surface, but not knowing which way was up and which was down.
Suddenly I thought about the fact that I hadn't fallen into the lake; I had jumped in. I had allowed myself to enter that place of confusion and doubts. I looked him in the eye and I said, "that's not true what you are saying. You are wrong."
And then I awoke from my dream. Perhaps this sounds kind of flaky and wierd to write on my blog, but I need to sort if out somehow. There was more to the dream but this morning the answer to my dilemma the night before was crystal clear.
And just like being lost on the road yesterday, I need to find the road that leads North and stick on it until it leads me home. Taking the side roads that seem familiar just leads me in circles. It is the same as centering myself when I move to a new place: I put my blanket on the bed, I put my clock by my pillow. And I tell myself, don't worry about how you feel, Heather, because eventually it will make sense.
My centering point, my North Road for the dilemmas of life is the time I spend alone with God where I listen to HIS voice, and only HIS. It comes when I 'lift my eyes up to the mountains, to where my help comes from'. And once I lift my eyes up and refuse to be drawn into the icy waters of confusion and doubts, then I can find my way home.
Although as a side note, there are other places to get lost, like in the lobby of Robin's apartment building the other day. I actually had to call him on my cell and get him to come find me. Oh well.