24........

You know how old people always lament over another birthday? I know I'm not that old, but I'm sort of feeling that way.
When I was a kid I loved my birthday. Presents! Cake! Balloons! Friends!
It stayed that way until I turned 17. I remember the day well, I had just realized that my first true love didn't feel the same way about me and I was absolutely devastated. Our family had started a new church and I felt isolated and alone at a time when I felt I really needed my peers. There were friends over and I remember the candles on the cake were blurry because there were tears in my eyes. I've never talked to anyone about this, but somehow it seems easier to explain through a blog than in person. Ever since that day I haven't liked my birthday. Somehow it makes me feel alone, even though I have dozens of well-wishers and birthday cards and I know how much my friends and family love me.
Sometimes the loneliness is just there inside and no matter how many people are around, you just feel all alone.
Last night my mom made cupcakes for me and as I blew out the four candles (I told her I was 24, not 4.....), for the first time in my life, I forgot to make a wish.
Every year for my entire cognitive life I have wished when I blew out my candles. I sometimes even wish when I watch other people blow out their candles. And every year, I always wish for the same two things. Even though it's easier to write on a blog, I still can't make myself wear my heart on my sleeve quite enough to tell you all what those wishes are, but suffice to say they have never come true.
It made me wonder when I thought about it today. Wouldn't it be an ironic twist of fate if this year, the year I forgot to wish on my birthday candles, if those two wishes came true?
This seems like a silly thing to do, to sit and blog on my birthday when I should be out partying and dancing and laughing and drinking (just kidding) and enjoying the night. But the fact is, although I am the happiest of all people and have everything I could possibly want and need (just about!) and although I have wonderful friends and family and although I know I am loved by God and have a purpose in life and a passion for what I do; sometimes it's just Heather's hullaballoo, without the happy. Sometimes it just seems too hard to disguise my vulnerability and put on a smile.
We are all human. I take comfort in thinking that we all have times like these. And I take great comfort in thinking that someday, whether or not I remember to wish on my candles, those deep desires that I have inside will be fulfilled.
In the meantime I agree that it is sort of lame to sit in front of my computer on a night as magnanimous as the occasion of my 24th birthday, so at the very least I'm going to go raid my sister's closet and eat as much chocolate as I can fit in my mouth and jump in the hot tub and do something exceptionally crazy tonight. If I'm not dead or in jail I'll let you know what that exceptionally crazy thing is in a couple of days.