The path to freedom

My sister tells me that my next blog entry should be about dimethyl ether. She's had a longstanding feud with a wart on her arm and begged me to help her freeze it off with some crazy looking contraption made by Dr. Scholl. The thick instruction book that came with the kit had 16 pages in English and French and on the second page, half-way down, it cautioned “do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet.” We wondered how one would know not to use the wart remover if you couldn't read the line about not being able to read it. The booklet was even more helpful than that; on page six it cautioned that while using, one might smell some dimethyl ether. I suppose one would know right away what dimethyl ether smelled like based on its distinctly dimethyl ether-ish odor. At any rate, page 4 warned against inhaling any of the fumes, so I guess if you smelled what might be dimethyl ether, you would know that you'd inhaled what you weren't supposed to inhale.
All joking aside, I'm surprised how much bewildering medical information is circulating around and how many bewildered people read it. (And in case you think I'm being a know-it-all, I'm including myself in that category). For example, I had a prolonged discussion with my brother today about the necessity of childhood vaccinations. The problem is, with conflicting information available at everyone's fingertips, its hard to make a wise decision.
Today I was working with an obstetrician. We spend the morning doing ultrasounds on very excited and nervous mothers and I learned how to spot the four chambers of the heart and the aortic arch and to know if the brain is forming properly based on a few squiggly lines on the screen, and whether or not the baby is a boy or girl.
In the afternoon I sat with Dr. F while he saw a few patients in his office. One lady came in, an attractive young woman with a stack of charts about 8 inches deep and an angry look on her face like she wanted to kick in a door. I had received a brief history beforehand: she had delivered a premature baby that had lived a month in neonatal intensive care but battled for her life before finally dying. Babies born at 25 weeks have a 50% chance of survival but this poor thing never even got off to a good start. The mother was stuck in her grieving process: she had decided the medical team were at fault and she had highlighted pages of nursing notes to ask questions of the doctor and demand answers before potentially taking the health care team to court.
Dr. F is gentle and kind; he had explained to me that he himself had lost a child, so his introduction was compassionate and he began to try to elucidate the whole story out of the mother.
She had been in an abusive relationship and at some point social services stepped in and removed her three other children from her care. She unexpectedly found herself pregnant; she had been smoking, drinking occasionally, the labor seemed to be going fine, and she went into early labor. After a few more questions it turned out the drinking wasn't just occasional.... and the smoking was quite heavy....I sensed that she wasn't telling the whole story. She began to cry, tears streaming down her face. She had split up with the guy. She had the kids back but she couldn't work and she hadn't been able to let go of her little girl. When did you notice the baby's condition declining, Dr. F asked?
A week before the baby died she had been started on a new drug called Pavulon, which is used for neonates that require ventilation. Basically, when the baby's lungs are not developed enough to fulfill their body's oxygen needs, the ventilator takes over and forces enough air into the lungs. The instinctive response in even a premature baby is to fight to breathe on their own. However, without the ability to get enough oxygen on their own it becomes necessary to stop their own efforts in order to let the ventilator do the job. Pavulon paralyzes all the muscles of the body, starting with the eyelids and moving to the diaphragm.
This mother described watching her baby lie there and being unable to even blink, as her life slipped away. She felt it was so wrong what had been done.
The path you are going down is not helpful, Dr. F explained gently. In Canada we have a legal system, not a justice system, and even if a lawyer agreed to take on your case, it would never bring your baby back and compensate you for your suffering. There is no indication of gross negligence on the part of the health care workers; she simply was not ready to be born.
I could see what the problem was; it become clear when Dr. F asked her about her current alcohol use. She was struggling with guilt, and feeling like she might have caused the early birth and ultimate death of her daughter. There was no question that her actions may have compounded events, but she was unable to forgive herself and so was unable to move on in life.
I watched her go and desperately wanted to throw my arms around her and give her a hug. But I am a medical student and at that moment it was not my right to step in. When she had gone Dr. F turned to me and asked, “what would you have said to her differently?”
I explained to him that while antidepressants and a support group are part of the answer, health also encompasses a spiritual aspect. This woman could never forgive the medical team because she had never experienced forgiveness herself.
God's forgiveness is so freeing. It frees us to forgive those around us. Yes, there is a balance. Often I err on the side of making excuses for people and I allow myself to be used and hurt. But I don't want to miss the opportunity to be free by not forgiving. It is a daily thing. I need to forgive my Dad for stealing my snacks while watching tv. I need to forgive my sister for interrupting my blogging with stupid instruction booklets and dimethyl ether fumes. I need to forgive the people who have put me down, who have rejected me, who have hurt me, who have broken my heart. And the only reason I can do that is because I have experienced God's forgiveness.

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” - Colossians 3:13