Pathology exam (the censored version)

So....I've come to the conclusion that when those Israelite guys said they only ate vegetables and water, 'vegetables' was a code word for 'Jewish food' or 'what we normally eat'. Because I'm telling you, eating only vegetables and water did nothing good for me.
Last night was my 5th day. I'd done well on my first exam (15% higher than the class average, apparently) and was studying for my second exam and all I could think about was toast, or eggs, or coffee, or anything but vegetables. I lost 8 lbs this week and as time was going on I felt stupider and stupider. I've battled nausea for about 3 days and I thought if I even looked at another carrot I was going to throw up. I've been studying SO hard, for hours on end, not sleeping much, and I felt like I was getting a handle on things, but I was crashing fast. Last night at about 10:00 I couldn't take it any more. Alpha suggested blueberries and I wanted to throw my textbook at her head but I didn't have the energy to pick it up so I crawled into the kitchen and ate some cold leftovers and made a cup of tea.
Wow. I seriously don't know how I made it 5 days on just vegetables and water.
I studied for a few more hours and then went to bed, praying for my pathology exam (at 7 this morning!) Some time in the night I woke up and had this intense pseudo-religious experience- it was a vision of me preparing for my exam and sitting down to write it- I sat bolt upright and I said, “I am ready to discharge all my emotional energy and everything I am into this exam”. I felt filled with joy. It was pretty crazy. When my alarm went off at 5:30 I bounced out of bed, prayed and read my bible for a bit, then studied, then ate some cereal (YES!!!!) and tea and settled down at the computer to conquer the beast.
The exam was a gong show. About 50% of the questions had spelling mistakes and poor grammar but they were super easy questions. About 10% of the questions were so totally random and based on things I had no clue about. About 10% of the questions were justifiably tough but I felt like I reasoned them out well. I took my time, purposely went through all the choices even if I knew instantly what the answer was. I double checked my answers. After a couple of hours I submitted the test. YES!!!! I could taste victory on my tongue. I had studied pathology like it was going out of style this summer. I had made hundreds of colored flow charts and flashcards and had gone through almost all the practice questions in a review book and studied the textbooks.
You can imagine my shock when my mark popped up on the screen. I know I have revealed many embarrassing things about myself on my blogs (and I'm about to reveal more!), but I am honestly too ashamed of that mark to even tell you what it is. Suffice to say it was below the passing mark. I blinked a few times. What the ****. I've ******* studied this ******* pathology until I ****** **** *****. (Actually I don't remember what I said but it was something unrepeatable).
I sent a very upset email to my professor telling him that his answer key must be wrong and could he recheck it. Then I walked into my bedroom, climbed under my blankets and curled up in a corner of my bed and cried my eyes out.
I don't handle failure very well. I've never done anything with the intention of losing, even stupid things like skipping grade 12, running a marathon without training, picking fights with big guys, or entering a cook-off with fake poo. I lay there all curled up and tried to imagine why I could have failed after I had literally studied my guts out for this test. I honestly feel like I know the material.... I will be a good doctor..... but maybe I am deluding myself. Perhaps I don't have what it takes to get through medical school after all. Dropping out of school cause I'm not smart enough has never been on my agenda. I thought God was in it. For goodness sakes, I've been praying up a storm over it. I know lots of people fail exams, but how many people care as much as I do? I couldn't stop crying.
I fell asleep. So many intense moments in my life have been followed by me falling asleep and waking up feeling different- and this was no exception.
I bounced out of bed and into the shower and was almost mad at myself. Right there was the one stupid reason why I was actually in med school in the first place. Every time I failed at something and got knocked down, I was stupid enough to get up and try again. Man, Heather, can't you learn? Can't you just give up?
I played scrabble with my mom the other day and she had to leave halfway through to go shopping. She tallied up the points and declared that she was in the lead, so she had won. You didn't win! I shouted at her. You quit! There's a difference! I won because I didn't quit!!!!
Well, telling you all this has been an emotional release for me. I'm ready to study for next exam tomorrow. This one is just as much a beast and I am just as scared. But I'm not a quitter. I'll figure out something with pathology- I dunno, maybe the rest of the class failed too, and we'll get our marks scaled. Maybe there is a problem with the answer key. Maybe I did well enough on the homework to pass the course anyway (actually it is well-known that professor never gives anything but 'pass' to all his students, no matter how well they do on the tests). Maybe I'll get kicked out of school and can start my own university.
At any rate, I'm going to win eventually..... if only because I refuse to quit.

*Consoling chocolates and cards can be sent to my home address.