Fire in my soul

16 years ago, today, I was baptized. I remember it distinctly; I was a talkative but serious little girl with knobbly knees and wispy brown hair and glasses that were too big for my face. Ever since I was really small I remember lying in bed at night and talking to Jesus. In some ways he was more real to me then- I had a vivid imagination and the lines between reality and fantasy were blurred, and I had no problem believing in and loving someone who I couldn’t see. (After all, I had at least 3 imaginary friends who kept me company!)
But it was the most natural thing in the world for me to believe that he existed, and that he loved me, and that he had a certain way he wanted to live my life. I was anxious to let everyone know how I felt and make a commitment to God that would last my whole life. But there was one major problem standing in the way: I didn’t know how to hold my breath under water, and I was worried that when I was baptized and my head went under, I would inhale, choke, and drown.
But the fire was burning in my soul. I thought about God in bed at night and when I read the little white bible that had been my great-grandmother’s. My favorite verse was from Psalms 63- ‘O God, you are my God. My soul thirsts for you. My body longs for you, in a dry and weary land, where there is no water…. Because you have been my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.’ I was so hungry and thirsty to know God more and to embark on the adventures he had in store for me.
I was almost 9 when I finally got up the nerve to get baptized, even though it had been years since I knew Jesus in my heart. My Dad and two of my older brothers, who I adored, baptized me. I was the last of seven people to descend into the baptismal tank and I remember seeing dirt floating on the top of the water but I was so excited I didn’t mind. I was wearing a little pink skirt and when I went into the water it puffed up around me and I tried desperately to hold it down so the whole church wouldn’t see my underwear and my skinny legs.
It’s funny because as I look back, in many ways nothing has changed. (I no longer wear glasses and my legs aren’t skinny any more, although I still do wear pink skirts that fly up at inopportune moments). I still have that fire burning in my soul towards God, and if anything, it has grown stronger. I know I am an emotional person to start with, but I can hardly stand still in a church service without tears welling up from deep within. I often fight to contain myself- what do you do when you love someone so much and you can’t see them, you can’t touch them, you can’t feel them?
Life is hard, there are so many ups and downs, and often I feel that there are more downs than ups. There have been a few days this month when I was alone, completely alone, and I felt like God was farther from me than ever before in my life. I could not feel him at all. Yet something in me, something fierce that was in me as a little 8 year old girl, something kept hanging on. I know God is good. I know it in my soul, deeper than I’ve known anything in my life.
So anyway, I wanted to share with you, whoever may be reading this, this very special day to me. I am celebrating God’s faithfulness to me, and I can say with all my heart, over these 16 years (and more!) that I have known him, he has never let me down. He has always been right beside me. He has been totally worth everything I have ever given him, and I know that as I grow older and learn to give him more and more of my life, I will see him as more and more beautiful as he truly is.