Heights

On friday I went to a great wedding. It was at a gorgeous golf course and loads of fun... Between the wedding and reception I was so delighted to see my friend Miriam and such large expanses of grass, so we took off our shoes and ran and ran and leapt over the hills. Then, wonder of wonders, guess what I saw! A metal tower with a windmill on top! And not only that, but there was a ladder going straight to the top!
I absolutely couldn't resist. I hitched up my wedding clothes and started climbing up the tower. I could see for miles, it was so beautiful. About halfway up, I suddenly began to feel queasy in my stomach. Someone asked me the other day if I was afraid of anything, and pretty much the only answer I can think of is 'heights'. So I was halfway up this thing and suddenly realized there was this oily grease on the ladder rungs that was all over my hands and my skirt was billowing out in the wind and I was feeling dizzy and scared, that dry-mouthed feeling when you start to hyperventilate and your pulse goes way up.
The tower shook with each step I took upwards and I wondered if it was just a decorative tower or if it was really meant to hold my weight.
But you know me, I can't just give up halfway through something. People who start something but then chicken out and don't finish, what good is that? I kept climbing. In life, I want to be a finisher. I want to be a winner.
So I got to the top of the tower and discovered to my disappointment that I couldn't get the windmill to turn (I think it really was decorative) and not only that, I was still feeling queasy and across the fields there were some people watching me. I wondered what would happen if a breeze suddenly picked up and the whole wedding party got a view of my skirt taking flight.
Later when I was down from the tower I wondered what causes that urge in me to explore, to climb, to search, to discover, even if I know in advance that I will be terrified, that it might be disappointing, that it might cost my dignity (or sanity!)
Perhaps it is in all of us. Proverbs 25:2 says "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings."
As a little girl I remember being acutely disappointed that the whole world was already mapped and discovered. There was no wild west to pioneer through, there was no northern passage to discover, there was no place where man had never set foot on. It seemed as if everything was already discovered and I had to settle for a pre-planned, boring life.
But now I know that is not true. There is so much to discover, so much to learn. I just have to be willing to search. Perhaps I will just end up one day at the top of a rickety water tower with a view of a golf course. But perhaps I will find something much more glorious. Whatever the result, I know one thing: the search will have been worth it.