Solitary adventures

There are 2 types of people, I’ve heard; the type that recharges by being alone and the type that recharges by being with other people. I am the latter: I need fellowship like nothing else. Sure, I need my alone time, but there is nothing that makes me more energized than being around other people, talking with them, encouraging each other, building each other up.
So far this last adventure in Antigua has been a very solitary one. And I am struggling with it. You know how it feels to be in a roomful of people and still feel desperately alone? Or just to find yourself alone- sleeping alone, eating alone, studying alone, and after a while you are not sure if the thoughts you are thinking are actually real or maybe someone else said them and you just dreamt them….man oh man, I would never ever make it in a convent or in solitary confinement. I would just go crazy.
My housemates Asa and Burton are great and I have no real complaints (except for the fact that Asa is really messy, and even more of a type A personality than me, hence the two of us butting heads a few times). But our schedules don’t really coincide this term and the two of them like to go to the gym and work out so I have been alone a lot.
Last night I was home alone and had to deal with a couple of things myself like filling the generator with gas etc. This morning I was desperate to go to church and the guys didn’t want to so I took the car myself. I only got lost once and ended up on this deserted dirt road with potholes bigger than a car.
I made it to the church; a tin-roofed building full of people who loved each other and loved the Lord. I was the only white person but I didn’t feel conspicuous, I felt welcomed and accepted. I drove home and had to swerve from an oncoming car passing a taxi and hit a pothole on the tire that Asa had already run into a fence, and I got a flat tire. I had to stop for groceries and there were two drunk guys there who started giving me a hard time. They wouldn’t stop until the store owner came and told them off. When I got home Burton changed the tire for me and although we’d planned to go the beach, he had too much homework so he dropped me off at the nearest beach. There were 3 semi-trucks blocking the road so I got out and walked the last 2 kilometers myself. I had sort of hoped to find some of my classmates there but they weren’t there so I sat by myself watching the crashing waves and the wind in the palm trees and picked up shells and swam and prayed and read.
I started to walk home but my injured arm was getting more and more painful and I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it back. The pain radiated from my elbow all the way down to my waist. I prayed that God would help me somehow and one of my classmates Fred happened to drive by and offered me a ride.
At home I made some supper and while I was in the shower it burnt and Burton and I sat there trying to choke it down. When you’re hungry enough, anything tastes good. I wanted to talk to him, about church in the morning and things I had been thinking that day, but he was busy studying and anyway….it’s possible to be right in front of someone and know they don’t even notice you, let alone hear what you are trying to say.
The moon is full over the ocean and it lights up the balcony and the hibiscus are heavily fragrant in the humidity. There is something wild about it, but very quieting at the same time.
Over the last couple of years I have read a scripture over and over again: Isaiah 40 “They that wait on the Lord will renew their strength… they will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
Every time I’ve read that verse I’ve thought of waiting on God for something specific- like, I’m waiting for the Lord to give me the answer to my prayer, or I’m waiting on the Lord to provide for me, etc.
I’m beginning to see that it is very different actually. God wants me to wait on him… for him. Just to remain in that place of being still and knowing that he is God. Quieting my soul and being okay with sitting by the water and watching the waves, being okay with watching the moon alone, being okay with not being able to share my thoughts with someone else. (Hey! That’s what I have a blog for!)